My friend has come round to cheer me up. She phoned this morning and found me in tears. I don’t know where it came from, I slept like a log, but when I woke up I suddenly started worrying about how I was going to pay for my son to continue riding lessons when my ex reduces my payments. This makes me sound like a spoiled brat doesn’t it?!

We have not agreed the financial settlement of our divorce yet, and I am still looking for work. I set myself up as a group fitness instructor a year ago and have built up 6 classes a week in the local villages. I love my classes, and my clients. They have done so much for my self-esteem and made me feel valued again. But it’s not enough to pay the bills so I also currently rely on monthly payments from my ex, which are at an amount he considers appropriate. Sometimes I think he picks a number.

I was hoping my classes would have built up faster, but as I’m still establishing myself, it seems as I add a new one I’m having to stop another one due to lack of attendance. It’s never obvious how they are going to work, a bit of trial and error until I’ve tested the market – but they mostly seem to be stabilising nicely.

I’ve been looking for other part-time work but there is NOTHING at the moment. Its so frustrating, and its hard not to get demoralised. I know I’m not alone, there are plenty of people unable to find work at the moment. I’m being selfish as money was tight enough without this drop. BUT I’m allowed to be selfish – my psychologist tells me that I need to learn to value myself and do things that nurture me, in order to be able to continue looking after everyone else. Its a daily battle – along with trying to find a job.

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