I’m not angry at him. I don’t hate him, but he is still camping in my head, rent-free – because I’m letting him.

I tell myself that nearly 20 years with someone takes time to get over. It takes time to undo the memories and experiences which now I know to have been constructed. They weren’t real. It takes time to cut the emotional ties you have after sharing a life with someone for that length of time.

I’ve had time to move forward as he’s not contacted me for nearly 2 weeks, which is the longest time he’s left me alone to get back on my feel emotionally. Without some kind of message or email to make me  feel guilty about something. Thanks to my solicitor telling him in her last letter to stop harassing me.

The effect of some peace has been incredible. It magnifies the impact he was still having on my life, his constant need to have a hook into me to keep the veins of manipulation open. I can see it more clearly now. I’ve had time to catch my breath and consider the web of deception he was weaving. I’ve also received an article emailed to me by his ex (the one he was aborting his child with rather than being home for his sons 6th birthday), which has helped me, I hope, to move further forward.

We had come into contact when she warned me of his imminent plan to divorce me, just after he’d dumped her for the second time. We had talked, on the phone, for nearly 2 hours, comparing experiences, commiserating with each other on our bad judgement, on how crap he was in bed. Funnily enough I wasn’t angry at her – she’d experienced the same deceit as I had, as he’d told her we had already split when they got together. I could be totally paranoid here and assume she is lying too, but I don’t feel any negative emotion to her all the same.

The article had been published in a national newspaper, written by a women who had also been deceived by her husband and who had also moved with him to France. She had concluded that her husband was a sociopath. At first I thought this was the ex being a bit over -dramatic, but I read on, there was a list of signs of a sociopath that sent shivers down my spine:

1. SUPERFICIAL charm. Smooth, engaging and charming, a sociopath will never become tongue-tied or embarrassed.

2. OVER-INFLATED sense of self-worth. Sociopaths believe they are superior human beings.

3. PRONE to boredom. They feel the need to be stimulated constantly.

4. PATHOLOGICAL liars. Sociopaths will be deceptive and dishonest.

5. MANIPULATIVE. They will say and do anything to deceive and cheat others.

6. LACK of remorse. No sense of the suffering of their victims.

7. LIMITED range of feelings. Don’t expect them to express anything other than happiness or sadness.

8. CALLOUS. Cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate and tactless are apt words to describe them.

9. THEY live a parasitic lifestyle. Sociopaths are often financially dependent on others.

10. THEY can’t control their behaviour. When challenged, sociopaths will appear irritable, annoyed and impatient.

 

I had experienced examples of every one.

I know reading this kind of stuff perpetuates feeling sorry for myself. I indulge myself that I am healing, still trying to understand what the hell went wrong with my apparently close-to-perfect life. I might be wallowing a bit in regrets – but even nearly three years on I still have trouble believing it’s real and that it happened to me. I just can’t understand how someone is capable of doing such things.

What makes it harder to move on is we still have to have contact for the children. His roster means each month he lets me know what dates he wants is able to see them. For the next few years I am going to be stuck with regular contact, having to stop myself from arranging everything I would normally have done because he is incapable of planning ahead, or is only thinking of himself. Even just now he has emailed with dates for the holidays; he wants to return the kids late on sunday night – in fact they would get home at 1am, getting up at 7am the next morning for school. Why do I feel like the bad person telling him its not acceptable and he’ll have to un-book the flights I’ve just learned of for earlier ones?

I don’t know about camping. It’s some form of squatting and I need to get my head around moving him out.

Advertisements